Problem Solved

I have been struggling recently with a dilemma. Two of my good friends asked me to get ordained so that I could perform their marriage ceremony next year.

Obviously, I was more than thrilled that they asked me, but then I started to get a little anxious. I mean, marrying a couple is a big responsibility. I want to strike just the right tone, something appropriate not only to their level of coolness, but also my respect for them.

Anyway, thanks to my cousin and his beautiful Egyptian-American bride, this problem is solved. I went to his wedding this weekend, and I think the whole ceremony will be a perfect fit for my friends. I’m talking Coptic Christian.

You may not be familiar with this ancient sect of Christianity, which is based in Egypt. Well, let me expound on the virtues of their wedding tradition:

• Sheer Length. What better way to signal the strength of your love than a two-hour ceremony? When we got a copy of the program (more of a missalette), we were surprised to see that it was thirty five (that’s 30 + 5, folks) pages long. However, some parts were in three languages: the original Coptic, a phonetic Coptic version using our Alphabet, and the English translation. So we thought maybe the ceremony would be shorter than it seemed. Boy were we wrong! Most of the ceremony is chanted, so phrases like “Amen” can take upwards of one minute to sing. None of this 43-minute high mass crap. You want to get to that open bar at the reception? You gotta earn it!
• Kickin’ Percussion. As I said, most of the ceremony is sung or chanted. However, there is a cymbal player too, who sometimes chimes in with an exotic 7/8 beat to the prayers. This is totally awesome, and should be incorporated into all Christian ceremonies from here on out.
• Fun Costumes. At various points in the ceremony, the bride and groom don scarlet sashes, white capes, and golden crowns. I was disappointed to see that these were removed when the ceremony was over, though. I hope they got to keep them.
• Huge Cast of Characters. In the Coptic ceremony I went to, there appeared to be approximately four priests, three deacons, six or seven guys whose job it was to sing for the congregation, and sweet old man who showed up halfway through the ceremony and did not appear to have a job, but kind of mingled around on the altar and came down to greet the parents while the ceremony was going on. This enormous number of people brings me to the next benefit:
• Chaos Theory. The ceremony was very chaotic. People were coming and going, moving microphones around, sometimes one or two guys would start singing at the wrong time, almost no one knew when to stand or sit, the couple chatted with each other, the priests chatted with the couple, all while incense was thrown about and the chanting almost never stopped. So you don’t have to worry about maintaining a look of profound interest in what the priest is saying! Nobody’s really paying attention anyway. A very relaxing way to get married.
• Retro Ideals. Although I think everyone has huge respect for the breadth of tradition inherent in this ceremony, some of the ideals were pretty, uh, Flinstonian. However, by the thirtieth time that the priest exhorted the bride to obey her husband, the giggling was pretty audible. I think we both know who’s gonna wear the sash/cape/crown in that family!*
• Lack of Crappy Musicians. Since the whole ceremony is sung, there’s no need to stress about having your second cousin sing the theme from Superman or that song from Titanic!
• Xena Warcry. We were warned that the bride’s family often capped off wedding celebrations with the traditional ululation, which is not easy to perform correctly. It sounds a bit like Xena, only more Middle-eastern. I cannot stress enough how much cooler this is than throwing rice.

Anyway, congrats to my cousin and his new wife. It was an honor to be invited to such an ancient tradition, and aside from the hotel shuttle getting lost on the way to the reception, I had a wonderful time.

And as for my engaged friends, I have already started learning to read Coptic. Unfortunately, as a woman, I cannot perform the ceremony itself, but I did start watching old episodes of Xena. Please get yourself fitted for a cape and a crown and send me the measurements.

*According to the ceremony, both of them.