I don’t go to the movies very often. This surprises a lot of people, as if frequent theater attendance was some kind of moral obligation. But no, I only tend to go a few times a year, if that.
I have a very good reason for not going to the movies very often: I cry at EVERYTHING.* This makes going to the movies not so fun:
- Serenity? Bawled, even though I had never seen Firefly. (I have now, of course. I mean, duh.)
- Elf? I can’t remember why, but I did!
- Chronicles of Narnia? What, are you kidding? I was on a plane for that one.
- Star Wars, Episode 1: The Phantom Menace? Cried. No joke. When the kid left his mommy.
- Return of the King? Folks, I cried just THINKING about going to this movie. I cried at the opening credit music, I cried at the part with the signal fires, basically I never stopped for the entire three hours.
Now, before everyone rushes in to offer me their leftover Zoloft, please bear in mind it goes the other way as well. Things that are just “eh” funny to other people make me pee my pants. For instance, the new Taco Bell commercial, where the lion says “Ricardo Montalban” actually makes me laugh, out loud, full belly laugh, each and every time I see it.
The problem is, my susceptibility to the ol’ Hollywood Mel-O-Drama is permanently set to 11. Sad things are sadder, funny things are funnier, shitty things are shittier. Seriously, it’s like the emotional content of most movies that I actually want to see (i.e. vampire movies; movies about books I read; movies with robots, dragons, and/or robotic dragons) is completely too much – everything is over the top. Even the soundtrack slams you over the head with emotional cues every second. This is especially annoying to me – because I attended music school, I can see right through every godawful note than John Williams steals, I mean, composes. Yet he still gets to me, the bastard. I hate that guy.
Anyway, I don’t go to movies about robotic vampire dragons because I want to get in touch with my sappy side – I go to see some asses kicked, some clichés re-hashed, and some fantastic CGI flames spurting out of the robotic dragon’s mouth. If I want to watch a movie which will make me think or have an emotional reaction other than “Woo-hoo!”, I will rent a DVD and buy a box of tissues. The problem is, these days, I can’t tell the difference.
The point is, if you ask me and Dan to the movies, please don’t be offended if only Dan shows up. There’s only so much pent-up sniffling and surreptitious eye-dabbing I can take.
*And when I cry, you know it. My nose gets all red, my face gets all blotchy, and my eyes get super-bloodshot. No hiding that mess.
2 comments:
She's not kidding about any of that. I used to be all sensitive about it, too. "You Ok?" Now, it's like, "Jesus H. Christ! Can't we watch Spiderman 2 without you weeping?"
i cry all the time at movies, too. i remember seeing "the little mermaid" in theatres as a kid, and being SO embarrassed as the lights came on because i was just inconsolable about her never seeing her family again for some dude. speaking of which, that's a pretty shitty ideal to provide kids with.
Post a Comment